Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Right Now

Acceptance is a right but forgiveness is a privilege.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

The engines roared loudly as the large aircraft taxied across the runway. Moments and memories flashed in front of Derek’s eyes as the plane waited to take off. He had been in this very spot so many times before and never could have imagined that it would all end this way. As the noise from the turbines grew louder so did the heartbeat Derek could hear in his head, all of his past came forwards and reminded him of everything he had been through in his twenty four years of life. He could hear the sound of the pilot adjusting the flaps for take off and the clunking of the various components of the airplane. Slowly the plane crept forward.

“Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking”

An introduction not unfamiliar to Derek rang out over the intercom.

“The tower has just given us clearance for take off and we will be leaving the ground shortly, we would like to wish you an excellent flight and thank you for flying Air Canada”.

His heart beat faster and faster with every second that passed. Then like a rollercoaster at a theme park the aircraft shot forward pushing Derek backwards into his already uncomfortable seat. As they rocketed down the runway Derek could see the outside world whizzing past him much like the thoughts running through his head. As the front of the aircraft jolted off the ground everything stopped for Derek, all the thoughts and memories, all the pain and fighting, everything in his world stood still. Suddenly the engines of the plane could no longer be heard and the noisiness of take off was silenced by the one and only thought that remained inside of him, the one and only thought that would consume him for the next eight hours over the icy Atlantic Ocean and the one and only thought that would consume him for possibly the rest of his life. As the plane finally became airborne Derek held back his tears and gripped hard on the cold handles of his seat, he wondered if he was ever going to see his son again.

This is the beginning of a novel that i started to write not to long ago. I stopped writing it, not becuase i ran out of ideas or becuase i got bored of it, but because i realized that if i kept writing it, it would never have an ending.

I guess what i realized is that a book has to have a beginning a middle and an end, and well, my story doesn't have that yet. One day i'll be ready to finish my book and i will do just that, but for now i'm just along for the ride.

Life's a journey, not a destination.

Jesse Roulette
Writing novel's One at a Time

Friday, February 27, 2009

Websters my ass

At the top of this site there is a line that reads: 

"A blog dedicated to all the feelings and emotions that we all have inside of us and the passion for life that is sometimes hard to find."

It's been a while since I have written anything here, or anything at all for that matter, but i was looking at that little line and started thinking about what some of those words really mean.

Words like:

Dedicated or dedication

and Life.

All of these words mean different things to different people at different times in our lives, so to define them here would probably be a waste of time. The important thing is that we can recognize that these words exist and try to use them on a daily basis. 

Look these words up in a dictionary and find the technical definition, then try to figure out what they mean to you. I promise you it won't be the same. 

These words are constantly changing in definition according to the events we expeiriance throughout our life. If you were to think about what these words mean to you once a month you might be surprised to find that they don't always mean the same thing to you. 

For instance the word "Feelings" can change drasticly according to our expeiriances in life. A year ago when i thought of the word "Feelings" i would have associated it with things like sadness, guilt, pain, anger, hate and probabaly a lot of other depressing feelings. Now ask me to think about the word "Feelings" and i would give you words like love, happiness, excitment, passion and other words that describe things that bring joy in life. 

The point is that if "Life is a highway" then our feelings are the road signs and landmarks along the way. We can always know where we have been in life by thinking about how we felt at certain times and thinking about what the word "Feelings" means to us now. 

Knowing how we've felt at certain points in our past can be a great way of recognizing feelings we might have in the future and it can be a great way of learning how to react to our feelings but never forget that even though we can learn a lot from the past, the only time and place that really matters is right now and right here. 

Jesse Roulette
Changing definitions One at a Time


Sunday, May 4, 2008

What would you do?

Last Thursday something interesting happened to me. Well nothing really happened to me but I was witness to something quite interesting and it made me think. It was a holiday here where I live and I had decided to go along for a ride with my father and his girlfriend, they were off to the local shopping centre to pick up some things that they needed. I didn’t have anything better to do so I decided to go with them. It was a nice day outside and the sun was shining. When we arrived at the shopping centre our first trip was to the electronics store which wasn’t actually located in the mall but just outside of it. We went inside to search for empty disc cases and a print cartridge for their printer. Being that I didn’t really have a reason to be there I just wondered around gawking at amazing pieces of flashy equipment that I would never have a need nor a use for. After coming to the conclusion that almost everything in the store was way out of my price range I decided I would go outside and wait for them in the beautiful light of day. I stood out side the door for maybe a minute or two and got impatient as I usually do, so I snuck back in just to take a peek at where they were. They were already through the check out and on their way out of the store. As the three of us walked out of the store together we saw three employees of another store that was just up the street come shooting past us at full speed. Up ahead of the employees there was a young man dressed in jeans and a jean jacket doing everything he could to get away from them. It was a full out foot pursuit. As the employees gained on the young man it seemed as if he had given up, he stopped running and the store employees had caught him. The four men turned around and began to walk back towards the store that they had originally come from. I assumed that they were headed back to call the police and to return the goods that the young man had obviously stolen. As the four individuals approached the area where we were standing, I noticed that the store employees weren’t even holding the man they had been chasing nor were they even paying much attention to him and on top of that the man was on his cell phone. That struck me as a little odd and sure enough my feeling was right. Just before they reached where we were standing the man took off at full speed again, this time heading towards the road where a car was waiting for him with the back door open. The store employees bolted after him again. The young thief dove into the car but not before the employees grabbed a hold of him. As the men tried their hardest to pull him back out of the vehicle the other men in the car tried their hardest to hold on. After about a minute of brawling inside the vehicle I guess the driver decided enough was enough and he hit the gas, running over the foot of one of the store employee’s. Although that was the end of this event for the young thief and the store employees, it wasn’t the end of it for me and the questions I was asking myself.

As the day progressed I realized something interesting, I realized that if it weren’t for my impatience that day I would have had a very important decision to make. If I hadn’t gone back into the store to see where my father and his girlfriend were, that thief would have ran right past me with the store employee’s directly in pursuit and it would have been obvious that he had done something wrong. What burnt my brain about this was that I couldn’t figure out for myself if I would have done something about it. Would I have taken it upon myself to lay the smack down on this guy thus becoming the hero of the day or would I have simply watched as they flew past me. Is it really worth it to get involved in a situation such as this? Was I even capable of making a split second decision like I would have had to had I been standing out there? These were all questions that ran through my head later that day. The more I thought about it the more I wondered. It has now been a few days since this event and I still haven’t come to any conclusion. I don’t think that the problem lies in the situation it self, I am almost certain that I would have tried to lend a helping hand and gracefully or not so gracefully would have attempted to tackle the guy. The problem that I face is that I don’t know if I am capable of making a decision like that in that amount of time. Some of us may be blessed with this split second decision making and for the rest of us I think it takes time and effort to be able to train ourselves to make decisions quickly. Life is full of decisions and choices we have to make and I think if we work hard at learning how to make good decisions quickly we can all make life a little easier for ourselves. One must tread carefully under these circumstances though. We don’t want to just make all of our life decisions on the whim; we want to train ourselves to make these decisions carefully and accurately while still doing it with haste. It’s a talent that takes many years of practice. So the next time you find yourself with a decision to make that’s burning your brain try to think about what could help you speed up the process but if you find that difficult don’t worry, so do I and many others.

Jesse Roulette
Catching bad guys One at a Time

Thursday, May 1, 2008


Something happened to me today, something I would call a little strange and quite if not extremely coincidental. I sat down at my desk early in the afternoon to begin writing an article I had been thinking about for a while now. I have wanted to write about the subject of heartbreak for quite some time. I wanted to discuss the feelings and emotions that we often associate with heartbreak so that maybe I could achieve a better understanding of the term. As I sat in front of my computer screen I began to write, but it just didn’t feel right. It felt like something was missing, like I was writing just for the sake of writing and it didn’t mean anything. I had a good day today and I was feeling fine so I didn’t quite understand what it was that was keeping me from fully expressing myself. I decided it might be better to take a break and give it another shot later on. I spent the rest of the day basically doing nothing other then attempting to find ways to mildly entertain myself.

It’s late in the evening now and I am just about getting ready to climb into bed. As I was about to lay myself down I decided I would turn the old computer on and take another crack at that article. When the computer finished its loading process I noticed I had received an instant message from a friend of mine. I read the message. My friend wanted to tell me that she had not had a good day, that she had been feeling really down and wanted to talk. Naturally I messaged her back and asked why; her reply was surprising to say the least. She told me that she had just broken up with her boyfriend of two years and was feeling the pain; actually the word she used was “heartbroken”. I was stricken for a moment. Can something like that happen purely coincidentally? It made me think about what I believe in and I came to realize that I don’t really know what I believe in. I wondered how many other people shared this conundrum with me. Do we really need something to believe in or can we just float around within our own spirituality and never really come to any firm belief? I think many of us unconsciously need a firm belief system and some of us consciously need one. I also think that some of us don’t need one, or don’t want one for that matter. Does relying on a belief system mean that we assume we know the answers to everything? This is why I’ve always had a bit of a beef with organized religion, but that’s another topic. I apologize for my off topic rant, back to heartbreak.

When we suffer from “heartbreak” we often feel lost or left behind, at least that’s how I would describe it. I think many people would describe the feeling differently because we all connect to each other in different ways and when heartbreak happens to us it is often due to the severing of an important connection in our lives. If you’re reading this you might be wondering if there is any way to heal yourself of heartbreak or completly avoid it in the first place. Well there really isn’t. If I was a doctor and a patient came to me with a bad case of heartbreak there wouldn’t be a doubt in my mind that the only responsible thing to do would be to prescribe that patient with a healthy dose of time. Its an old saying, “Time heals everything”. Well old sayings are old sayings for a reason I guess, they’re important. Time does heal everything and in time you will feel better. The sadness and the pain of heartbreak will begin to subside in time. If you haven’t already read my article called “Memories” you may want to take a look at it as it covers some of the same topics and offers some original ideas on dealing with heartbreak and pain. As far as avoiding heartbreak, well we can’t avoid heartbreak altogether. We can try to avoid situations that may lead to heartbreak in the end but the truth is that we never really know when heartbreak will come. If we spend our whole lives avoiding situations we believe could end in heartbreak we might end up missing out on what could have been the best thing to ever happen to us. I think a much better plan would be to accept the fact that life comes with risks, and if we have to endure a little pain in order to learn something about ourselves and about life in general I think that’s a small price to pay.

So if your hurting due to heartbreak just remember that time heals, and that even if you could have avoided the situation you probably learned something valuable from it. Its not everyday life lessons are offered to us, so lets take them when they do come!

Jesse Roulette
Sewing Hearts One at a Time

Sunday, April 27, 2008


Ok, so here is something that’s been bothering me for a little while now. The other day I was having a conversation with a close friend of mine. It turned out to be quite the intellectual conversation if I do say so myself. My good friend who I will call Mitchell happened to disagree with something I had written in a previous article. Now I’m all for good conversation and constructive criticism so I asked him what was on his mind. In my article called “Memories” I talked a little bit about fate and destiny, I mentioned how I like to call these things just plain old luck of the draw. The disagreement began. Mitchell argued the point with me that in my situation luck nor fate nor destiny had anything to do with the outcome of events in my life. He argued that I had chosen my situation and I was the only one to blame for the consequences I was suffering. Now I didn’t disagree with that at all, I realize I made my own choices and I am dealing with the respective consequences, but the discussion went deeper than that. Mitchell argued that everything that happens to us in our lives is product of our own choices and I concur, to an extent. I posed a scenario to Mitchell, a scenario which I will pose to you now.

A man is walking down a path he has walked down many times before. Along this path he must walk past a short section of overhanging cliff. There have never before been any sort of dangerous circumstances associated with this cliff or anywhere else along the entire path. Though on this day things were different, something happened. A large piece of rock from the overhanging cliff above breaks off and lands on the man, he is paralyzed from the neck down.

Ok, so that’s the scenario. Now because Mitchell had told me he believed everything in life was product of our own choices I had to ask him to explain to me how this man chose to become paralyzed. Now obviously he didn’t directly choose to become paralyzed, but he did choose to take that walk. At this point in the conversation I partially agreed with Mitchell’s theory of choices, but not entirely. I told Mitchell I agreed to the fact that the man made the choice to take his walk, but my real question was deeper than that. I wanted to know what Mitchell thought could have made that rock fall at that exact moment in time. Now of coarse a rock can’t choose to fall but I was to find out that there were many scientific answers to that question such as erosion and wind and temperature. Mitchell explained to me how all of the perfect weather conditions combined could have absolutely caused that rock to fall. I agreed with him but I wanted more. I asked him what he thought made those weather conditions perfect on that day. Now, we argued pointlessly about this for a few more minutes and came to the conclusion that there probably wasn’t an answer to this question without beginning to discuss the realm of spirituality, so we let it be, for now. There was a method behind all of my madness, I said to Mitchell “Think about this man laying in his hospital bed knowing that he will never walk again, knowing that he will never be able to enjoy the things he used to enjoy. Don’t you think there will be emotions inside of him that wonder why did this happen, or who did this to him?” Mitchell promptly replied “Of coarse there will be.” I reached deep into the confines of my brain and posed my final question thinking that I would stump him with this one. “Who does this man blame for what happened to him, or how does he get closure without knowing why?” I have to say I was somewhat enlightened by Mitchell’s response. “He has to realize that no body is to blame for what happened to him and that even though he made the choice to take that walk there was probably nothing he could have done otherwise. He has to accept the things that have happened to him and he has to move on with his life in a new way, and that’s just a choice he has to make.” There it was, he was absolutely right, in the end it did come down to choices.

For myself and Mitchell this conversation was probably just a waste of forty minutes but by posting it here I hope that maybe it will enlighten somebody in the way it enlightened me. Our lives do revolve around the choices we make and that’s really good news for us because it means we’re in control. We have the final say in the things that happen to us. Although we might not be able to choose the situations we sometimes find our selves entangled in, we defiantly choose what we’re going to do about them. So the next time you’re in a real down and out situation try not to worry about how you got there and just remember it’s your choice that can get you out.

Jesse Roulette
Making Choices One at a Time

Monsters and Goblins

Last week I was having quite a bit of trouble sleeping. As soon as I shut the lights off and closed my eyes I was wide awake rolling around like a six foot crocodile in a death roll. After three long sleepless nights I was fed up. I sat myself down and tried to think about what it was that was keeping me up at night. Now I know things have been a little upside down in my life lately and of coarse those kinds of things one can lose sleep over, but was that really the root of my torture? As I pondered about home remedies or prescription medications for sleep aid a thought crossed my all ready under functioning and oh so tired brain. “I don’t want to sleep.” What? “I’m tired but I don’t want to go to sleep.” What? This unusual epiphany caused a sort of chain reaction inside my head. I asked myself “why wouldn’t I want to sleep at night?” I also thought about what keeps other people up at night. I began to think about children and I began to think about when I was a child and how some children don’t sleep easy when they have thoughts of monsters in the closet or goblins under the bed. Obviously it’s not the monsters or the goblins literally keeping the kids up at night, it’s the fear of them.

Fear can keep us awake for many hours on end. As we grow older we shed our childish fears of monsters and goblins, right? Or do they simply take on another form. The monsters and goblins we all feared from our childhood no longer hide in our closets or under our beds. As we grow older they move into an even scarier place, our heads. They transform themselves into our thoughts and ideas. Our thoughts and worries of what tomorrow might bring or what our futures might hold in store for us. I don’t know about you but as for myself I am much more afraid of something inside of my head then something inside of my closet. So, it came to my attention that I never really did let go of my childish fears of monsters and goblins, those fears simply manifested themselves in a different way. I realized that I am just as afraid of those monsters now as I was when I was six years old, if not even more terrified. Being a man of action I decided it was time to end this fear once and for all, after all it was the fear that was keeping me up at night and by this point I desperately needed a good nights sleep. As I tried hard to think of a way to conquer my newly discovered fear of metaphorical monsters I wondered if fear was actually that bad. If it wasn’t for fear how would any of us be able to make decisions in our lives? Yes it is true, fear can be debilitating in some ways such as my lack of time spent in dreamland. Fear can also help us. Fear makes us understand that the decisions we make on daily basis actually matter and can make a difference in our lives. If we weren’t afraid of the monsters in our thoughts what kind of people would we be? I don’t want to know the answer to that question. So after reviewing all the new information I had just gathered I decided I wasn’t going to destroy my monsters thus destroying my fear, I was just going to put them in a safer place, back in the closet. Far enough away to get some sleep but close enough to keep me on my toes.

Jesse Roulette
Traping monsters One at a Time